Down the rabbit hole

DH had to stay at home yesterday. I was just feeling so bad and I think he could tell so he suggested he stay at home. That’s a first. He also had to email his HR department and boss and give them a heads up about my condition. I can’t tell you how guilty I felt about this. I guess I will never be going to any of his company functions now. I couldn’t face any of the people who know. I felt so guilty about DH having to be at home yesterday, it just made me feel like such an inconvenience to him although he did not say that. And never would. He took me out to get some groceries which makes things so much easier for me since I don’t drive. Of course I had to use money from my savings since I don’t have anything left in the monthly allowance because I’ve been feeling so shit that I’ve been shopping. Yet another thing to feel guilty about. DH looked after DD for a few hours yesterday afternoon and I went out for an afternoon of baby free time. The first bit of time I’ve had off since she was born really. Well, the first time it’s been more than an hour and during the day.

I have the voluteer from homestart coming over today. I’ll call her P. In a way I’m glad but in a way I feel so guilty that someone else has to come over and look after my child because I’m such a hot mess that I can’t do it on my own. Also, my house is such a tip that it belongs in a rubbish dump. I’m so embarassed that P will see it looking so bad. I’m even feeling guilty that DH and DD have to live in this pig stye. It’s just gotten way out of control.

Oh well, best get on with it before P gets here and see what I can get done. At least get the kitchen floor washed and run the carpet sweeper around. Sounds stupid when I think about it. That’s the reason she’s coming, to give me some baby free time so I can get on top of things and here I am freaking out about her seeing my house in a mess.


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