Hello my lovelies,
Welcome to my biggest conundrum…
Today, I have been irritated and out of sorts. In fact, I’ve felt like this for some time with one thought on my mind; and that thought is, What do I want to do with my life? I am nearing the big four oh in two years and I, like most people really thought that I would have my shit together by this point. I’m sure many of you can relate.
I feel like I get up in the morning, I clean house, get myself and my daughter ready for work and school, work my butt off at work, come home, cook dinner, do laundry, shower and go to bed only to do it all again tomorrow. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy the mornings and evenings and spending time with my family doing domestic things. I even enjoy cooking dinner and for the most part, doing laundry. I love spending time in my little house with my significant peeps but I don’t love my job. I’m damned good at what I do but I have never loved where life led me in terms of a career. Don’t get me wrong, I’m intensely grateful for my job and the salary I get as it all benefits me and my family hugely but I don’t get up in the morning and think to myself, I can’t wait to get to work! Does anyone?
I had always thought that some day I would be doing what I’m passionate about; the kind of things I love with my life. I woke up on my birthday and realized that some day gers further and further away and will never come unless I turn some day into today. That got my thinking that my time here is limited. Do I want to spend my time working for someone else, fulfilling their dreams, or do I want to fulfill my dreams for my own life? Of course I want to fulfill my dreams for my own life but there’s a major problem there.
I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up!
I’m proper cray-cray and am often told by my friends that I am inspirational but for God’s sake, could someone just inspire me or bitch slap me with THE idea of THE THING that would fulfill me as a career and the thing or things I would want to do until my last breath?
There are so many things I love to do. I love to cook and bake and craft and upcycle and explore and entertain and read and write and plant and organize and tidy and I love music both the singing and the listening. I love acting especially in music theater and I love movies and books and craft stalls and pokey little shops filled to the brim with treasures. I love domestic pursuits and sewing and nerdy stuff like Harry Potter and creating and crafting and taking pictures and embroidery and all things Christmas and fairy gardens and foraging to make tasty treats from natures bounty…. too many things to choose which of those would be my passion.
I had thought that one day I would find a huge old house that I could turn into a kind of bookstore, gift store and cafe with a beautiful garden outside for drinking tea and smoothies. We would run craft workshops and book clubs and sewing circles.
I also thought that one day I would be an author and write paranormal romances to indulge my love of Greek mythology. I even have such a story three quarters written but my passion kind of fizzled out with that when a plot issue arose. I wonder if that ship has sailed or if it’s just pulled into port to weather the storm.
I had another grand idea of writing a book about Christmas and have written half of it but life and the need to pay the bills to stop my poor husband developing a stomach ulcer through stress meant I went back to work full time and this too fell by the wayside.
I had a thought to start up a business selling subscription boxes from home filled with beautiful things that bring people joy.
Another idea was to become a Youtuber and start up a channel dedicated to all things creative and doing videos about the home and about being a working mother with strong emphasis on PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION. This was integral to me because a pet hate about some Youtubers is how they bemoan what a hot mess they and how they messy their homes are just like the average exhausted mom when they are while they sit there with their perfectly coiffed hair and manicured hands in lavish surroundings.
I had another idea to be just like Angel Adoree and sell up here in England to buy a dilapidated chateaux in France to offer as a B&B and wedding venue.
There was another idea to sew vintage inspired dresses and sell them at craft stalls.
Or the other idea to be just like Cherry Menlove or Pippa Middleton and write a lifestyle book.
I love the idea of inspiring people and even thought of somehow becoming some kind of muse to creatively inspire people in a kind of Kirsty Allsop way.
People that is a SHIT-TON of ideas! I am over run with ideas but that doesn’t make it any easier to pick one!
Of course there are the practical considerations to think of too. If I chose one of these ideas and decided to pursue it, when would I find the time in an already chock-a-block life to chase that dream? How would I finance the dream? It’s all overwhelming and anxiety-creating but the heart wants what the heart wants! The heart wants to do something that makes it sing and smile and wax lyrical about the hills being alive with the sound of music.
Yet one constant thought remains, I need to choose and I need to pursue that choice because by denying this pursuit will lead to regrets too deep to recover from.
“Every night I lie in bed, the brightest colours fill my head,
a million dreams are keeping me awake…”